The state of the nation’s food, via The Onion

It’s been awhile since I offered a purely comic post. So, let’s take a look at the American food system via some recent articles in The Onion (“America’s Finest News Source”). Click the headlines below for the full stories.

Seven-Layer dipping

Photo by Edgar Zuniga Jr. via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license (CC BY-ND 2.0)

USDA Rolls Out New School Brunch Program For Wealthier School Districts

“We found that 70 percent of students in wealthy communities were not receiving their recommended allowance of eggs Benedict and fresh-squeezed orange juice,” Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack told reporters Friday.

Rescue Chip Sent In To Save Broken Tostito Submerged In 7-Layer Dip

“Time is definitely not on our side here,” said [the 28-year-old leader of the emergency operation, Jason] Larkin, who noted that the submerged chip segment is only getting soggier by the minute. “The isolated chip is currently holding up pretty well, given the circumstances, but it’s slowly absorbing more and more of the salsa, and there are a couple of smaller chip fragments in the immediate area. These factors will make it increasingly difficult for this second chip to get everything out of there cleanly.”

Proud Boston Market CEO Announces Food Hasn’t Been This Gross In Years

“Now, don’t get me wrong, our food has always been gross, but we asked ourselves, ‘Could we lower the bar even further?’” [Boston Market CEO George Michel] said. “Five years ago, people could cut into a piece of our famous chicken and maybe guess whether it was white or dark meat. Now, it just looks like one clump of some sort of compacted food product. In the past, the mashed potatoes tasted like instant, but could we get them to taste like the kind served to prisoners in the federal penitentiary system? The answer is yes. And could the fluid our sweet corn sits in for hours on end become greyer and murkier? I’m happy to say it could.”

For more, check out my earlier post on Portlandia’s “Ordering the Chicken” sketch, and then head to this post for a couple more really entertaining videos on two new products: “Almost Pizza” and “Brunchables.”


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