Food news, ripped from the (fake) headlines

It’s been awhile (more than 6 months, in fact) since my last post that focused on food satire. So, it’s time for another laugh at the habits, restaurants, and foods that we love, hate, and/or love to hate. Courtesy of The Onion, check out these recent stories:

Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable (with video!)

“When it comes to manually compressing a towering heap of meat, cheese, and bread into manageable bites, U.S. residents are far more adept than their peers in other nations,” said lead researcher Hugh Newell….

T.G.I. Friday Game Wall

Photo by Flickr user waynesutton12, used under a Creative Commons license (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

T.G.I. Friday’s Bankrupt After Spending Billions On Priceless Americana

“In retrospect buying game-used, Babe Ruth–autographed baseball bats to display in each of our 900 locations was probably a mistake,” said company president Ricky Richardson, who confirmed the casual dining establishment had laid off more than half its staff, beginning with the thousands of full-time curators it employed to maintain its massive collection of memorabilia.

Extremely Vibrant Town Able To Sustain Two Buffalo Wild Wings

“Normally, having more than one Buffalo Wild Wings in a single municipality isn’t remotely feasible from an economic standpoint, but in Peoria, which is essentially the very definition of a boomtown, it’s almost expected,” said University of Chicago economist Robert Lucas….

Area Woman Almost Imagines Taste Of Peppermint Mocha On Tongue But Stops Herself

Her senses bewitched by the intoxicating memory of peppermint-flavored syrup, local woman Kate Nothern saved herself from the bitterest of agonies Friday morning when, regaining control of her faculties in the nick of time, she stopped herself from imagining the taste of a peppermint mocha on her tongue.

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